Jobs, Money, My Future…Oh My!

To say it has been a long time since I’ve blogged is an understatement. Between being in my final semester of graduate school (which starts back on Monday), stressing about jobs, money, and my future, and fitting in time with my boyfriend and my cat, there hasn’t been time for much else. However, as usual, this blog/writing has been in the back of my mind. So, here I am.

When I first began my MSW (Master’s in Social Work) program in August of 2014, I thought I knew what I was in for. I thought I knew the population I wanted to work with. I thought I had the hard parts figured out already. However, I’m beginning to realize that starting my MSW program was just the start. As it turns out, the hard decisions have yet to be made. People ask what population do you want to work with and what kind of work do you gravitate towards within social work…and my expression is completely blank. Because you know what? I don’t know. I don’t know, and that’s scaring me.

As part of my MSW program, each year students are required to complete an internship/field placement for each of the two years of the program. During my first year, I began by interning with an organization that works with individuals with disabilities. However, after a big personality clash between my supervisor and I, I made a quick switch after a few weeks. I then interned for the rest of the year at an adult day health center for individuals with dementia. While I enjoyed that, the pace was somewhat slow for my taste and I didn’t really like working with the elderly population, so I knew that during my second year, I wanted to do something completely different. Therefore, this year, my field placement has been in the case management department of a local hospital. While I enjoyed it at first and I’m able to do the work, I’ve recently realized that it’s not where I want to work following graduation.

Here’s what I do know as of now: I’m interested in mental health (but don’t have any experience with it), I’m interested in disabilities (but know that I want to directly work with clients as opposed to doing a lot of behind the scenes work) and I want to do clinical work. I also know that I love working with kids, but don’t necessarily know if I’d like working with them in a mental health capacity.

And here’s where all the frustration comes in. While I realize that it is just as good to know where you don’t want to work as well as where you do, I thought I’d have a better idea at this point. I thought I’d have it figured out, and I don’t. I thought graduate school would help me figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, but it hasn’t. Other than knowing I want to be a social worker, obviously. Which is good, I guess. But it doesn’t feel like enough.

I’m hoping that I have a better idea of what direction I want to move in following graduation, but what if don’t? What if I’m just as clueless then as I am now? The hard part is that I know I’ll need to get a job following graduation in order to pay for rent, bills, and living. At the same time, I’m just as scared to take a job working with a population I don’t have experience working with. To be honest, that terrifies me….to get in a job and realize the learning curve is way more than I bargained for. Therefore, the obvious result would be to take a job in an area of social work that I already have worked in (like in gerentology or the hospital)…except for the fact that I know I don’t enjoy working with those populations/in those settings. Agh! I’m frustrated, to say the least.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to talk to multiple people about all this. And all of them have told me that it’ll all work out and that I’ll find a job. However, what many of them have also said that it may not be a job I really like right out of graduate school. And I guess that’s what’s so hard. The uncertainty. The not knowing where I’ll be working. And the likelihood that even once I find a job, I might not even like it. How crappy is that? I thought the whole point of going to graduate school was so that I could work in a field I love and enjoy going to work every day?

And when I get in this kind of funk, the ever looming question emerges: Am I cut out for this work…Do I really even want to be a social worker? At this point, I know one thing: I know I want to help people. I want to help people more than anything in the world. And hopefully, when the time comes and I’m sweating my way through all sorts of job interviews, that will be enough.

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On The Right Road

This past Saturday, I graduated from college with a Bachelors in Psychology. As I sat in the third row among my classmates, barely viewable among a sea of blue, I was happy. I wasn’t the girl a few seats over who kept having to wipe away her tears. I wasn’t the guy one row in front of me who looked bored, as if he’d rather be any other place than seated among his classmates. I was the girl in the third row whose gaze kept moving back and forth between the keynote speaker and section 4 of the arena where my friends and family were sitting. I was the girl who was soaking up every moment.

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Author and higher education expert, Arthur Levine, was the keynote speaker at my graduation ceremony. At first, when he began discussing the current state of our economy and the degree of technological change within our society, I became bored. These were things I had heard countless times, especially within the bubble of a liberal arts university. However, what he said later made me perk up my ears.

“We need your help as part of the most diverse generation in U.S. history – we need your help to knit together a deeply divided nation,” said Levine. “We need your help in dreaming, designing and developing a new world tied together by technology. … We need your abilities and imaginations to create the first global society in history. … Tomorrow’s going to require leaders who want to help heal a pained nation and a troubled world – you can make a difference. … Making a difference is your birthright.” (courtesy of the UNC Asheville website)

Specifically, the last part of this passage touched me, most importantly the idea of helping to heal and make a difference. In many ways, since I have chosen to pursue my master’s degree in social work beginning in August, I felt as if Arthur Levine was speaking only to me. There were moments in which it felt like he was looking right at me. It was as if he was simply reassuring me that I am moving into the right field, while also moving into a profession that I have a true passion for. Receiving this kind of reassurance, which I assume was not his intention, was one of the greatest graduation gifts I could hope to have been given. It was as if the universe was saying, Yep, you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing, so keep going.

Therefore, rather than processing out of my graduation ceremony with a sense of worry and dread, I held my head high. I smiled because for the first time in my life, I truly felt like I was on the right road to start doing what I’m meant to do. What I also realized was that I’ve been doing just that for the past few years. I have been following my passion of helping others ever since I decided to open up about my experiences with Cerebral Palsy in January of 2012, and that passion has only increased since I have started speaking to elementary and middle schools on the topic of bullying as it relates to my CP experiences. So, though I haven’t started my master’s program yet, I do feel like I have been on the right road for a while now. Truthfully, I think I knew that the first time someone contacted me after reading a blog post of mine to tell me how opening up about my experiences has helped them to better understand what their son, their daughter, or they themselves are going through.

As I continue to enjoy my summer, and specifically focus more strongly on writing my memoir, I’ll push myself forward by knowing that I am helping others. Even if it’s just one person, I am helping that person to become more aware of disabilities. I am helping them to see the one thing that I myself still struggle to see sometimes: Different is beautiful.