My Journey Through The Blogosphere

I first started blogging in 2011 when I was a sophomore in college. At that time, I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wrote whatever came to me. This included life as a college student, music, books, travel, and eventually, my disability. There are days when I miss that blog, lifeintheblueridges. I miss the freedom of it, the peace of mind. I made connections with hundreds of people, some of which I still have today (I’m talking to you, Arianna and Cassie, if you’re reading this). I miss the level of connection and community I felt within the blogosphere. And for those of you who have stuck with me since the beginning, thank you. I am grateful, honored, and no amount of words could convey just how much you mean to me. My first blog felt like home, but over time, as I graduated from college and moved on to graduate school, my blog was no longer at the forefront of my life. At the time, I didn’t give it much thought. But now, thinking back, I regret not making it a priority. I get that life comes first and it’s okay that I put my career first, but writing should have been in the running for first place too. It’s always been my haven, my safe place, and the one place I felt 100% myself, but then I stripped it away without even really thinking about what I was walking away from.

When I graduated from college, I created this blog. I had read somewhere that finding a niche in the blogging community could increase traffic to your blog. So I did that for a while. I no longer wrote daily. It was a tiny accomplishment if I managed to write even one post every few months. I primarily wrote disability-related posts. And while some of the posts were incredibly cathartic, I didn’t feel the same level of community and connection I used to when I first became a part of this community back in 2011. I felt like I was writing for other people, rather than myself. And I know from experience what a tricky path that is to go down. It puts you at risk for losing yourself, and I think that’s what may have happened with me over time.

I don’t know if the blogging community has changed or I have. Honestly, it’s probably been a mixture of both. I know one thing, though. I miss it. I miss coming to an empty page daily and just writing whatever came to me as I did when I first started blogging. Sometimes, that was just a music video or a quote from a book I was reading, but it was me. It was authentic. My writing ebbed and flowed with my moods, the seasons, and life in general. Back then, I didn’t just post when I felt like I had something to say. I posted even on the days where I felt like I was trudging through mud and had no idea where to even start. I wrote anyway.

More than anything, I wrote for me. I wrote what I was feeling and what was in my heart. I didn’t have moments as I do now where I think, “What are other people going to think of this?” and “What kind of lesson or story am I trying to get across with today’s post?” Though there is nothing wrong with posing those questions before sitting down in front of the blank page, in my experience, it’s limiting. It put me in a box. A box that initially was comforting. However, eventually, I just couldn’t do it. I’m realizing now that those limitations kept me closed off from the community I so badly wanted to immerse myself in.

So, today, as my friend Arianna would say, I’m making the choice to show up. I’m pushing away thoughts of “Will others like this?” or “Will this post drive traffic to my blog?” As I’m learning, those questions don’t matter. Writing is what I love. I first started blogging solely for that reason. And I think it’s common to drift away from reasons you may have started on a journey in the first place. It was never about others. It was about me, writing from my heart, and feeling grateful when others connected with my words.

So even though I don’t know where my blog will go from here, I know one thing. It will be 100% authentically me. If we can’t be authentic and 100% ourselves, what’s the point, anyway?

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Wedding Planning with a Disability

Winter is my least favorite season. Though I love snow, cold weather is really hard on me as someone with CP. I’m naturally very stiff as it is because of my disability, and cold weather makes it 5,000 times worse as my muscles tense up the moment cold weather arrives. Even when I put a ton of layers on, it still seems to happen. The coldest of air cuts straight through to my muscles I guess.

Despite hating cold weather, I’m excited for this month this year. This month will mark 4 years since my now-fiance and I have been together. The 8th of this month will mark 8 months until we get married. And during the last weekend of the month, I’ll be heading to Chicago with my mom to go wedding dress shopping with my best friend. It may seem strange that I’m going all the way to Chicago to shop for a wedding dress, but not to me. I knew within of year of being friends with my best friend that it’d be a friendship to last a lifetime. I was the maid of honor in her wedding. She’ll be the matron of honor in my wedding. And the thought of trying on wedding dresses without my best friend by my side is unimaginable.

Strangely enough, I’m a bit nervous about going shopping for a wedding dress, though I’m definitely excited too. I’ve never been a fan of dresses, but I’m determined to find a wedding dress I love. The hard part will be finding something that not only works with my body but is something I can easily move in and feel comfortable in. Because of my CP, I have quite a sway in my back that I’m really self-conscious about, so that has me leaning towards a “ball gown” type look because I don’t want something that will accentuate the curvature of my back. At the same time, I don’t want something super heavy because walking in normal clothes is difficult enough. Adding in tons of fabric and lots of length for the pretty look may be against me. I doubt it’ll be easy to find a “ball gown” type dress that is lightweight, but we’ll see. As much as I want to find a dress I love, realistically I need to find something I can easily move in and that I’ll be the least likely to trip in. I fall very easily and often without warning, and just the thought of falling in my wedding dress on my big day is incredibly anxiety-producing. I know it’s not something I should worry about, but because of my disability, I can’t help it. I have to look at dresses realistically. Can I move in this? Is it too heavy? Am I going to fall over it over and over again. Though the natural thought would be…”oh, why don’t you just hem it so you won’t fall?” And yes, that’s as no-brainer. But here’s the thing, I fall even if there isn’t anything to fall over. And doing that in front of all the family and friends I love would seriously suck.

Wedding planning has been interesting as someone with a disability. For venue options, I had to take into consideration accessibility and whether I’d be able to easily get around. I ended up choosing a venue with a lot of flat, open space (despite it being in the NC mountains)! As I’ve stated above, I’ll have to consider it when finding a wedding dress. I’ll also need to be particular about the shoes I choose. I can’t walk in heels. However, I can walk in cowboy boots, and since my wedding will be on a ranch / farm, it’s pretty much a done deal. 🙂 Thankfully, I have a great pair of cowboy boots I bought with my mom when we went to Nashville a few years ago. I’ll just have to find a dress that ALSO works with my boots (and all the other requirements). Easy, right?

It may seem strange to realize just how much I’ve had to take into account while planning my wedding as a result of my CP. Sometimes, it gets me down. However, it’s my life. I’ve had to adapt ever since I was a child. It’s nothing new. Best of all, my fiancĂ© and my bridesmaids and matron of honor are super supportive when it comes to all that. I’m sure they’ll be a big help with logistics on the big day. Plus, at the end of the day, I get to plan a wedding for exactly what I need, and no one else can say a thing. I don’t pull the disability card often, but if it means the difference between getting something I need vs. not having it, I’m going to pull out all the stops I can. It’s my wedding day, after all. 🙂