What Blogging Means to Me as Someone with a Disability

January 6, 2018 / TrailblazingWithCP / 8 Comments

Writing has always been a comfortable outlet for me. Maybe because I feel more true to myself when I write than when I try to vocalize my emotions or connect with people in-person. As a child, books and words meant safety. As a got older and experienced numerous surgeries related to my Cerebral Palsy, writing was once again the outlet I immediately went to because I felt like no one would understand the stream of consciousness going through my anxious, but inquisitive mind. I didn’t have my first surgery until I was 11, but I have this clear image in my mind of sitting on the brown couch in the den of my childhood home after my first surgery with a yellow legal pad on my lap and a pen in hand. I may have had both of my legs in bright blue casts with a yellow bar in the middle, making it difficult to move, but I didn’t let that stop me from doing the one activity that has always set my soul on fire.

Even then, I wrote stories about myself. The story of waking up in the ICU after surgery. The story of experiencing Christmas from inside the four walls of a hospital. The story of weekly visits from therapy dogs. The story of how bi-weekly arts and crafts were the only time where I forgot, if even for a minute, that I was in the hospital and about to undergo a surgery that eventually lead to nightmares, panic attacks, and sent my imagination into overdrive. But those stories weren’t just stories. They were my life. They were a chance to process through the fear, anxiety, and pain I was feeling without having to figure out how to speak my feelings out loud. They allowed me to revisit the experiences, while also being able to act as a spectator within my own life.

I think that’s why blogging has been so helpful for me over the years. It’s been an escape, while also being the place where I found my voice, became part of a community, connected with other people and families with disabilities, and found a place I belonged.

I’ve spoken about belonging before in the sense of being someone with a disability. To put it bluntly, it’s hard. The world is not made with disabled people in mind. Besides the topic of physical access, there are also areas of education, housing, employment, and access to healthcare. Each of those areas are much, much different experiences for someone with a disability than they are for an able-bodied person. In regards to education, I had to be sure the schools, colleges, and graduate schools I attended were accessible to me. For me, that meant small schools (since walking long distances was hard), limited walking distances between classes, and in the case of college, finding a school with a substantial disabled student population (so I could be sure they had resources I might need). For housing, it meant finding an apartment complex willing to install grab bars in the bathroom so I can easily get in and out of the shower. Employment-wise, it might finding a company to work for that was comfortable with and supportive of my disability.

Often times I feel like I spend so much energy figuring out to live in a world not made with me in mind that there’s no energy left to reflect on the positive things my disability has given me. For instance, I don’t know if I would have become a writer were it not for my disability. Growing up, I wanted to find something to do that I could enjoy that my disability wouldn’t hold me back from. For me, the answer was writing. Short stories, fiction, poetry, song lyrics….and eventually blogging about my life. It’s a place I’ve always known I’ve belonged…the writing community, that is. The blogging community. Right here, with all of you.

So, thank you. Thank you for giving me a home in this crazy, frustrating, but beautiful world we live in. Thank you for encouraging me to come back to blogging. Thank you for the comfort, support, and love. But most of all, thank you for reading. My number one goal as a writer has always been to relate to just one person or have one person’s perspective changed as a result of my words. That, to me, is the ultimate dream. And you wonderful readers have given that to me time and time again. It’s because of you that I keep writing. And because for me, writing is and always will be my oxygen, my passion, and the one place I feel at home.

Disabilities within Social Work: The Road Less Traveled

January 23, 2016 / TrailblazingWithCP / 5 Comments

Two weeks ago I wrote a blog post expressing my stress and confusion regarding not knowing what I population I wanted to work with following graduation from my MSW program in May. At the time, I was considering either mental health or disabilities.

After having time to weigh my options, talk with friends and professors, and receive feedback from a stranger, I’ve made my decision. The disabilities field is where I belong. Not only is it my passion; it’s my calling. As someone with a disability myself, I have the ability to offer a unique perspective as a social worker that not many others can provide. Not only do I possess the knowledge as a social worker to look at each individual from a systems perspective, I personally understand the struggles and frustrations of living with a physical disability. I know without a shadow of a doubt that there a very few social workers who can bring in that kind of experience to further empathize with and help their clients on an even deeper level.

You’d think that finally nailing down what population I want to work with would make things much easier. And it has. But there have also been some challenges. For instance, upon talking with the director of my MSW program, I was told something I already knew but didn’t necessarily want to be the case. I was told, “There aren’t social workers in the disabilities field. So, if you want to work in the disabilities field, you’ll have to create a job for yourself.” Even though I already knew that there is a very apparent lack of social workers in the disabilities field, it wasn’t any easier to hear. However, it did help me to put things in perspective and gave me an idea of what to do moving forward. My MSW program director mentioned that finding a job within the disabilities field will be all about networking (as is the case for most jobs, but I think it’ll be even more important in my case). He advised me to literally talk to everyone I know about my passion for working in disabilities and use every possible interaction to discuss my interests and goals.

Following my meeting with my program director, I knew I had to get to work. Therefore, I started by updating my LinkedIn profile to reflect my interest in the disabilities field. Secondly, I decided to make myself some business cards so that anytime I meet someone I want to network with more, I can provide them with my business card. And boy and boy, they sure make me feel professional! 🙂

For me, another important thing I wanted to be sure and market is my experience with public speaking on the topic of disabilities. Not only am I currently writing my memoir of living with Cerebral Palsy, I also love talking about my disability, especially in schools. When I lived in Asheville and was getting my bachelor’s degree in Psychology, I frequently spoke to groups of elementary and middle school students on the topic of disabilities and bullying. My experiences speaking to those children were some of the most meaningful moments in my life, and I definitely want to once again get involved as a public speaker within the school system to talk about disabilities. As of right now, I don’t have connections within the Charlotte Mecklenburg school system. However, my MSW program director notified me that he plans to reach out to someone he knows within CMS who would likely be very interested in having me come speak at some schools in Charlotte. So, I’m crossing my fingers.

My first speaking engagement in Asheville, NC at Haw Creek Elementary School. November 2013.

Though it is somewhat frustrating to know that I’ll need to create my own job (in a sense), I am no stranger to going after what I want, even if that may seem impossible. Due to having a disability, I have faced many barriers throughout my life. However, that has never stopped me from chasing my dreams. So, the idea that there are not social workers in the field of disabilities won’t be a deterrant for me. On the contrary, actually. Because there is a lack of social workers in the disabilities field is EXACTLY the reason I need to go into the field. At this point in my life, I’ve become a pro at adapting to seemingly impossible situations, and I’m more than willing to do whatever needs to be done to provide individuals with disabilities and parents of children with disabilities the advocate they deserve!

Jobs, Money, My Future…Oh My!

January 9, 2016January 9, 2016 / TrailblazingWithCP / Leave a comment

To say it has been a long time since I’ve blogged is an understatement. Between being in my final semester of graduate school (which starts back on Monday), stressing about jobs, money, and my future, and fitting in time with my boyfriend and my cat, there hasn’t been time for much else. However, as usual, this blog/writing has been in the back of my mind. So, here I am.

When I first began my MSW (Master’s in Social Work) program in August of 2014, I thought I knew what I was in for. I thought I knew the population I wanted to work with. I thought I had the hard parts figured out already. However, I’m beginning to realize that starting my MSW program was just the start. As it turns out, the hard decisions have yet to be made. People ask what population do you want to work with and what kind of work do you gravitate towards within social work…and my expression is completely blank. Because you know what? I don’t know. I don’t know, and that’s scaring me.

As part of my MSW program, each year students are required to complete an internship/field placement for each of the two years of the program. During my first year, I began by interning with an organization that works with individuals with disabilities. However, after a big personality clash between my supervisor and I, I made a quick switch after a few weeks. I then interned for the rest of the year at an adult day health center for individuals with dementia. While I enjoyed that, the pace was somewhat slow for my taste and I didn’t really like working with the elderly population, so I knew that during my second year, I wanted to do something completely different. Therefore, this year, my field placement has been in the case management department of a local hospital. While I enjoyed it at first and I’m able to do the work, I’ve recently realized that it’s not where I want to work following graduation.

Here’s what I do know as of now: I’m interested in mental health (but don’t have any experience with it), I’m interested in disabilities (but know that I want to directly work with clients as opposed to doing a lot of behind the scenes work) and I want to do clinical work. I also know that I love working with kids, but don’t necessarily know if I’d like working with them in a mental health capacity.

And here’s where all the frustration comes in. While I realize that it is just as good to know where you don’t want to work as well as where you do, I thought I’d have a better idea at this point. I thought I’d have it figured out, and I don’t. I thought graduate school would help me figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, but it hasn’t. Other than knowing I want to be a social worker, obviously. Which is good, I guess. But it doesn’t feel like enough.

I’m hoping that I have a better idea of what direction I want to move in following graduation, but what if don’t? What if I’m just as clueless then as I am now? The hard part is that I know I’ll need to get a job following graduation in order to pay for rent, bills, and living. At the same time, I’m just as scared to take a job working with a population I don’t have experience working with. To be honest, that terrifies me….to get in a job and realize the learning curve is way more than I bargained for. Therefore, the obvious result would be to take a job in an area of social work that I already have worked in (like in gerentology or the hospital)…except for the fact that I know I don’t enjoy working with those populations/in those settings. Agh! I’m frustrated, to say the least.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to talk to multiple people about all this. And all of them have told me that it’ll all work out and that I’ll find a job. However, what many of them have also said that it may not be a job I really like right out of graduate school. And I guess that’s what’s so hard. The uncertainty. The not knowing where I’ll be working. And the likelihood that even once I find a job, I might not even like it. How crappy is that? I thought the whole point of going to graduate school was so that I could work in a field I love and enjoy going to work every day?

And when I get in this kind of funk, the ever looming question emerges: Am I cut out for this work…Do I really even want to be a social worker? At this point, I know one thing: I know I want to help people. I want to help people more than anything in the world. And hopefully, when the time comes and I’m sweating my way through all sorts of job interviews, that will be enough.

5 Things a Year of Graduate School Taught Me

April 16, 2015April 16, 2015 / TrailblazingWithCP / 2 Comments

It’s hard to believe that my first year of graduate school in social work will be over in just a few short weeks. It has been quite a journey thus far, one that I never could have predicted, but also one that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

When I first began this journey in August of last year, I was excited, but also nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. With just a bachelor’s in psychology under my belt, I hadn’t had much exposure to social work. Therefore, the thought of jumping into a field placement during my first year in the program was terrifying. Not to mention, I had just moved to a new city and knew no one, so the weeks leading up to the start of my master’s program were filled with uncertainty.

However, now having a year under my belt, I can proudly say: I made it. Don’t get me wrong. All the anxiety and uncertainty I had in the beginning lasted quite a while, and I spent many months of this past year wondering if I had made a horrible mistake. There were nights when I wondered if I was cut out for this work, and times in which I wondered if I should knowingly set myself up for such an emotionally difficult career. However, there were also good days too: the day when it finally hit me that I am destined to be working at a children’s hospital as a medical social worker, and the day when I began to trust myself and the knowledge I was gaining as a social worker.

Needless to say, I have learned so much throughout this past year, about myself and about the profession of school work as a whole. So, here are the five main things my first year of graduate school in social work has taught me:

Self-care is incredibly important. Many of us enter the field of social work because we have a strong desire to help vulnerable populations. Some of us may have even been one of the vulnerable populations at one time. In my case, living with a disability has been challenging, but has helped me to recognize the barriers individuals with disabilities still face today. Despite that passion to help others and cultivate change, we still need to remember to take care of ourselves, both mentally and physically. Personally, I’ve found that what helps me most is listening to music, writing, and a massage every month.
Sensitivity is just as important as assertiveness, if not more so. One of my biggest struggles this year has been reaching a point where I feel confident in myself and in my abilities as a social worker. Early on, I was under the impression that social workers had to be really assertive, and that was something that worried me because I’ve always been very sensitive and have had a difficult time asserting myself. After all, how was any kind of change ever going to occur if there wasn’t a social worker who was assertive enough to make that change happen? However, I’ve come to realize that sensitivity is just as important, if not more so! Because if you can’t be sensitive enough to empathize with your clients and meet them where they are, then change definitely won’t happen.
Confidence comes with time and PRACTICE. Since I came into my MSW program with a bachelor’s in psychology as opposed to a bachelor’s in social work, I was worried that I wouldn’t be cut out for jumping right into a social work field placement, and I was concerned that the courses would be too new and overwhelming. My first semester was definitely challenging, mainly in terms of getting accustomed to a new discipline and trying to take off my psychology-focused hat. Additionally, my first semester was also the time in which I wondered if social work was really for me (since the courses affected me more emotionally than I thought they would). However, now that I almost have two semesters under my belt, I know that the emotional piece is what I love. It’s what drew me to social work in the first place.
I’m becoming the person I’m meant to be. It’s safe to say graduate school has changed me. I am definitely not the person I was when I started my MSW program. Over the past year, I’ve been forced to be critically introspective and to examine my own reasoning behind certain beliefs, values, and opinions that I’ve had for much of my life. Even though it’s been difficult, it’s been even more rewarding. I’m happy to say I’ve addressed many different internal attitudes I’ve wanted to work on for quite some time, and I think it just took some poking and prodding from professors as well as support from my fellow graduate students who are going through the same thing. And honestly, the thought that I am finally moving towards the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be is incredibly satisfying!
Helping myself will increase my ability to help others. You know how the saying goes: you can’t adequately help someone through something until you’ve dealt with your own issues, and while I don’t necessarily believe that, I do know that working through your own issues will definitely allow you to connect with your clients on a deeper level than you could before. Personally, I know I have tons to still work through, but the wonderful thing is that now I have fellow students and professors to lean on for support when I need guidance.